Posts Tagged ‘Astrology’
Star crossed lovers
Forget your celebrity name generators, check this out for the best old school astrology on the web, and it’s free.
Stars for the weak and unlucky: Christmas time
Sagittarius – A bottle of Advocat, for your inner snowball
Capricorn – The X Factor single
Aquarius – A Christmas jumper from GAP, handmade by children India, who (incase you’re wondering) know it’s Christmas, enough already
Pisces – Smoked Salmon
Aries – Mariah Carey, your fellow Arian is under the tree. All she wants for Christmas…
Taurus – A posh puppy
Gemini – A mini Baileys gift set
Cancer – A diamond ring – Elizabeth Duke’s finest
Leo – Happy Festivus, you get a steel pole and a Can’t-stand-ya complex
Virgo – Something that was featured on the Dragon’s Den
Libra – The Boots complimentary No.7 make up bag, lucky you
Scorpio – Billy Idol’s Happy Holidays LP, Johnny Rotten once dubbed him ”the Perry Como of punk”
Stars for the weak and unlucky
The thing is, astrology isn’t silly, but you’ve got to choose your sources. If you’re after some indepth answers, go here.
However, if you’re happy with sun sign only predictions, I’m potentially your mystic, providing you don’t mind waiting for several months at a time. Scorpio’s are meant to be occult-enbled don’t you know? And I have both my ascendant and sun sign in good old Scorpio, and my moon sign in Sagittarius.
So know you know all about me, let me tell you what’s in store for you.
Scorpio
You’re the best, really. When you next go into Costa, they’re going to give you a gold lid for your takeaway coffee. Trust me.
Sagittarius
Puppy
love again Sag? Watch out for these dark afternoons, I can see you know
falling into a dead-end affair, crossing paths with some loser in the
sci-fi fiction section of the library.
Capricorn
Sweetcorn’s
only on special for another few weeks, if you’re lucky! Be proud of who
you are; wear some Capri shorts and eat that corn!
Aquarius
Time
to set your clock forward again Aquarius, by 6 minutes and 24 seconds.
Do this by 30 November and you will win on your next scratch it card.
Yeah you laugh now, but you know you’re going to do it!
Pisces
In
Australia, they make little kids wear icecream tubs on their heads,
with painted eyes drawn on the back, to deter crows “Wagga” in
aborigine, from dive bombing them for their shiny locks. Ron Atkinson
is a Pisces, so my advice to you this month little fish, is to keep
your head down and watch your mouth.
Aries
Here’s the
deal Aries. It’s time to change your name. Sign all your Christmas
cards with ‘prince’ in the middle, So I’d be, “All my love, victoria
‘prince’ colios. Indie rock stars do it all the time and you too will
soon be enjoying similar kudos; on the guest list for Kula Shaker and
discounts on turtle necks.
Taurus
Only one month to
go til Christmas Taurus, but you don’t need to wait that long, have a
practise run on 23 November, Thanksgiving. Give thanks for your
pleasant nature and roast potatoes.
Gemini
Your cat has something to tell you. You’re so bright, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Cancer
Before
your work Xmas do Cancer, work out who the Aries in your office is.
They’re going to make a big announcement, and it won’t be that the
goods lift is broken.
Leo
Call your mother. Or try your hand at collecting money from your neighbours. Santa only visits those who’ve been good you know.
Virgo
For riches, make a bet on Colchester United’s Adam Virgo.
Libra
Statistically, you’re more likely to become a Premiership footballer than any other star sign Libra. What the hell went wrong?
